I can’t believe another year is almost over!
2013 has been a bit of a roller-coaster for me. This little blog has grown so much and until September I was putting so many hours into it and loving every minute of it, even the recipe fails were fun! Then I started back at Uni and since then I haven’t had much time to get in the kitchen and hardly any time to blog at all. I wish I could, but I think, at the moment, I should focus on getting Uni out of the way, I finish in May an then I can put all my efforts back into my blog again. Trying to do both at the moment would mean neither was the best that I can do.
My health has been up and down as well. The first half of the year was pretty bad, I was ill a lot and pushing myself way too hard, once I finished Uni for Summer, my body was so shocked at the rest it just went into shut down. I spent most of the Summer ill and in and out of hospitals and clinics. It was a really rough time and I don’t want to go through that again! I discharged myself from the hospital as the service was awful and instead I was referred to a new clinic, since I’ve started going there, I’ve noticed an improvement in my knees and back, they’ve been a lot more stable and the service is much better at the clinic, my appointments are regular and I feel like we are actually moving forward with every session. It’s a long, slow process, but I’m not feeling like there’s no way forward and I’m just going to be in agony for the rest of my life anymore.
During the second half of this year, I’ve noticed the biggest improvement in my eating disorder journey. I think I’d reached a breaking point, I scared myself when I started fainting all the time and realised I just couldn’t go on like I was. I’d already made some pretty big improvements and eating a lot more than I used to, but I was still only having 2 meals a day and had waning energy in the day time. As with any road to recovery, it has plenty of ups and downs, I went through a pretty bad phase a few months back and I just slept all day everyday as I had no energy, but I had a conversation with my Mum and something in me changed/snapped – I’m not sure, but since then I’ve been a lot more focused on being healthy, rather than just skinny.
Mum said that I should go on how my clothes feel, not what the scales say. I know, that I must have been ready, because I truly believe you can tell people until you’re blue in the face that they need to do something, but if they’re not ready they won’t – and since then I’ve weighed myself about 3 times. I used to weigh myself daily, sometimes twice daily, somehow I managed to stop. I started eating lunch again, even though it’s only something small, it’s still something and it keeps my blood sugar regular.
I have so much more energy! I can stay awake all day and feel better in myself. I still have hard days, I’m not sure I’ll ever by 100% OK with food, but I guess I should be proud that I’ve come so far. I’m now thinking a lot more healthily too – I say to myself that it’s OK to have that cookie, or eat out once a month, because it is just once and because I’m good the rest of the time, it will not make me put on weight. I feel more rational. I knew in reality that I couldn’t put a stone on overnight, but there was this part of my brain which was terrified. I was so scared of food and I’m not so scared anymore 🙂
This is the first Christmas in 4 years where I wasn’t petrified of all the food around! I enjoyed my roast and having a few pieces of chocolate for breakfast!
Sometimes, I do still struggle with what I see in the mirror. Everyone tells me that I haven’t put on any weight, but I notice if my tummy feels bigger and it plays on my mind. I’ve put on a couple of kilos and I know I look better and healthier, but it is still really hard. But I do now go on how my clothes feel, I’m a size 10 and as long as my clothes feel comfortable, then I feel reassured that I’m not fat.
I’m sad that Christmas is over again as it means I have to go back to Uni and do more work, but in a way I’m excited, because next Christmas it will all be over and I’ll be free of Uni forever!
So, Happy New Year everyone! Here’s hoping 2014 is fabulous 🙂
Here are the top 10 recipes of 2013 – none of this would be possible without you; my wonderful readers. Thank you SO much for your support and I hope you enjoy looking over these recipes!